Brain Spew

I was speaking to my father, we were talking about the year that is passing. He is going through divorce, and he has had it rough. When it came to me I guess I am still too tired from the thoughts of this year. It's painful to think or even read in my blog. I think about Iida everyday, whether it be in the morning at breaky, during the day, or when I'm restless in bed at night. Not as much, but most days.

As Christmas comes around I get thinking more about friendship. I want to ask her how she is, what is happening in her life, but I'm scared to speak to her. I feel she probably doesn't respect me, and I am ashamed of things, including owing her money. I fear she will throw it in my face and reject me. Or worse, say almost nothing, cold and detached.

I still love Iida, but I realized a while ago I wouldn't want to be back together. I am not ready for a relationship, there is some things I need to explore about myself before I become involved with someone again. Lest I let down and hurt someone, and myself.

That aside, I am stronger, and I am moving on. Life is getting pretty entertaining, and I got front row tickets to this show. Continuing this cinema metaphor, a relationship is like the popcorn and chocolate snacks, so sweet and fun, though sometimes distracting and afterwards you gain weight and regret the whole thing. Joke, a little sorrow isn't enough to turn my heart bitter. :) Except for the gaining weight part, that is totally true.