Le Sigh

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've boiled it down to being damaged and needy. Why does it feel wrong that I have fun and flirt with this girl and then at the last second back out of sex. Why do I feel like I'm being deceitful.

Fun night with some romantic moments, I had so much fun. I let myself be free with it, and just wanted to give lots of affection, teasing and sweet talk. Yet later it feels wrong, I feel like I've lied to get what I want. I'm not sure what the source of this feeling is.

I know I don't want any sort of relationship with this girl, but for some reason I panicked. "Is this what a friendly guy says and does for some light hearted fun, or am I duping her into sex". I cannot decide. If I'm giving inaccurate signals or if it's just an irrational fear. I've already given one woman the wrong signals this year, I don't want this to be a habit.

It's hard to decide which it is. She is a girl with rather low self esteem it seems. I explained to the best of my ability what the problem was, and she seemed rather receptive, I guess. Hard to tell if she is mature enough to keep no expectations of me, too timid to stick up for any concern she may have. For that reason it makes me want to put a stop to all intimacy. I don't know what to do.

I think I rushed into it. I don't think this would have happened if I didn't push myself onto her. So I mean sure, I can say "I want to stick with friends for now". But there might be that awkwardness where there has already been so much intimacy and her tiptoeing around me, unsure about what she can and cannot do. That awkward hesitation whether she thinks it's ok to touch me in any way. I HATE this so much, I feel like I ruined everything.