Jaikkuli

Oh Kathi

2011-09-14T07:41:00.003+03:00

I've been pretty severely disappointed with everyone's opinions on my situation with that German girl, Kathi. All the guys basically said "go for it", before I even explained the entire situation. The girls mostly told me she is using me for attention. That it's not me she's interested in, she just misses her boyfriend and is using me to satisfy her need for attention. This second one I don't deny, really. I guess I just don't understand their attitude. It would be upsetting if she's only interested in me because she cannot have me, but that's not the case. I am honestly not upset by the fact that she wants me but won't do anything about it.

Sure, there was a part of me that believed she might break up with him. But that was before I learned that her boyfriend was actually a really nice guy and good for her. Now I know she'd never break it off with him for me, because she's actually half serious about this guy. So, I'm left wondering why she is such a horrible person in everyone's eyes. I completely understand her issue.

That being said, she is very young and has to learn to handle things better. I'd like to handle this situation in a way that will better her, make her take more responsibility for her actions. I wonder whether my taking initiative to stop the flirting is helping or damaging her ability. She has been unable to stop the eye flirting, even after a proper talk. Sure, she has been the one putting a stop to the touchy feely progressing, but she sure is playing a dangerous game by asking for it then pushing me away. I hope I'm helping her in the long run by not pushing more.

Fuck!

2011-09-06T06:33:00.003+03:00

Honestly, this is getting ridiculous. How many girls can I get involved with that creates immediate drama. I met this German girl at the hostel. We'd been exchanging eyes all last week and come the weekend, mutual friends went out to the bar and we spoke. Before long we were holding hands and staring at each other almost shamelessly. But the smiles turned to frowns, she apologized when I asked her what was wrong, explaining she had a boyfriend. So that was the night sort of fucked. To make matters worse, she gives me her hand again, for another five minutes, before we go. She's clearly confused on what she wants. This week, after a few days we spoke again, although we'd exchanged many awkward glances before then. She still looks at me, intensely. Last night we were flirting outrageously with each other.

I'm already clear that I'm not trying or going to do anything with her if she plans to maintain her relationship with her boyfriend, I don't want lies. After thought though I think it's became clear she's very willing to give him up and try something with me. She hasn't said it, I'm sure she has thought about it. I don't know if that's the direction I want to go in though. Sure I like her, I'm not even particularly against a sort of relationship. I guess I'm going to continue to get to know her, and fight off the urges. Maybe if things feel right, we'll make something of our friendship.

I have to ensure I don't think with my dick on this one. She's eighteen, potentially naive and I don't want to make any assumptions about our expectations.

Damsell In Distress

2011-08-22T17:02:00.003+03:00

So annoyed. There is this girl I met on my first week of uni, super cute, and the feeling is mutual! Except she has this douchey ex boyfriend who still has a hold on her. His doucheyness is painful, he's waaaaay too jealous. Making shitty comments on facebook interrogating her on who she is talking about when she doesn't mention names. Controlling much? His picture alone oozes doucheyness, showing off his bicep, thinking he's top shit. I hate him, with a passion. I guess maybe she isn't my sort of girl though, so I'm not going to be all knight in shining armor, despite how tempting it is. She seems to be emotionally unstable, and I am not prepared for something serious anymore, I need someone self-dependant. Grr, I really like her!!

The Leper Affinity

2011-07-22T17:46:00.003+03:00

I need to perform. Something has changed in me over the last year or two and I yearn to perform on stage. I hear the music and instantly see myself on stage peforming it, it feels real in my mind. I want to play and sing my heart out, and I'm going to do it, I feel it inside of me, it's completely undeniable. I will be taking steps, taking singing lessons and looking for other musicians to reherse with.

Minun Perhe

2011-04-01T19:19:00.002+03:00

Rough days as usual. For the first time in a long time I've felt like wanting a home to retreat to, when things get rough. Mum isn't really like that anymore, instead I'm taking care of her most of the time. Over the years she always talked about how she worried about her actions affecting my life, how I felt about her separating with my father, marrying Andrew, separating with Andrew. She always wanted that reassurance. For the first time ironically in my adulthood, I do now feel like it's affecting me. I don't want her to be alone, not only for her sake but for my sanity. I am awfully bitter, frustrated and let down about my whole family's situation.

I guess that's to be expected, we went from not talking, to my life falling apart and then me moving in with them. Out of the frying pan into the fire sort of thing, wasn't really the best start. Having all my own problems and feeling obligated to take on the problems of my family too. But it's getting better, and I'm trying to rise to the challenge. I don't want be the person that drops moral responsibility of things because he never asked for it, hard done by. The family is badly fractured, and I'm the only person with the guts to say something about it.

Things have changed a lot though, suddenly my grandparents look at me in a different way. They suddenly realized I'm very aware of the hurt in the family, that I've long matured to understanding things. I got scared recently because I realized they're one of the few sane people in the family left, I practically idolize my grandfather and I've never even sat with him for a drink and really spoke. He's not going to be around forever, I get the feeling he could tell me a thing or two about life that I may need.

Le Sigh

2010-11-22T08:53:00.004+02:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've boiled it down to being damaged and needy. Why does it feel wrong that I have fun and flirt with this girl and then at the last second back out of sex. Why do I feel like I'm being deceitful.

Fun night with some romantic moments, I had so much fun. I let myself be free with it, and just wanted to give lots of affection, teasing and sweet talk. Yet later it feels wrong, I feel like I've lied to get what I want. I'm not sure what the source of this feeling is.

I know I don't want any sort of relationship with this girl, but for some reason I panicked. "Is this what a friendly guy says and does for some light hearted fun, or am I duping her into sex". I cannot decide. If I'm giving inaccurate signals or if it's just an irrational fear. I've already given one woman the wrong signals this year, I don't want this to be a habit.

It's hard to decide which it is. She is a girl with rather low self esteem it seems. I explained to the best of my ability what the problem was, and she seemed rather receptive, I guess. Hard to tell if she is mature enough to keep no expectations of me, too timid to stick up for any concern she may have. For that reason it makes me want to put a stop to all intimacy. I don't know what to do.

I think I rushed into it. I don't think this would have happened if I didn't push myself onto her. So I mean sure, I can say "I want to stick with friends for now". But there might be that awkwardness where there has already been so much intimacy and her tiptoeing around me, unsure about what she can and cannot do. That awkward hesitation whether she thinks it's ok to touch me in any way. I HATE this so much, I feel like I ruined everything.

Solitary Man?

2010-10-18T12:29:00.004+03:00

I've been looking at this year as it's passing by. I cannot help but keep feeling like there is something wrong with me, I start to believe I don't have what it takes to live in this world. Like I'm just wired wrong, that there is nothing I can do.

I know that's not true though. I guess I am still just uninspired. I've tried to bring back my passion for life again but it's difficult. If I had it, these small things in life would become so easy, I'd take life by the throat and squeeze everything out of it. I refuse to accept that I am just becoming a bum, although I feel like it sometimes. Something has to change in me, I need that passion ignited. The thing inside me that tells me to keep going, push myself harder.

I guess this means I need to look into my past, when I was 16 and I decided I wanted to travel the world. I saw pictures of the vast Finnish landscape and I feel in love. I also fell in love with a girl. Those are the things that drove me to work so hard over those next 2 years. I still love Finland today as much as I ever did, but I don't have much love elsewhere.

Could it be as simple as that? I know I'm a loving person and that I feel lonely a lot, but could it be that the root of why my life is standing still? I haven't really been single in a long time, I realize this as I write this words. I fell in love when I was 16, roughly 2 years later I fell in love with someone else almost immediately. I always considered myself to be independent, but in fact being single is something completely new to me.

I never thought of myself as someone who needed to be in some form of relationship, I thought being single was something I was totally ok with, that I never needed other people, they were just a bonus. I think I was wrong, maybe right now I need someone to love.

Grr

2010-10-05T05:34:00.004+03:00

This woman I know from Brisbane Finnish and Finland Group is an odd one. It's like she never knows what's going on around her. I call her up for directions and she blabbers lots of shit, seemingly to herself because none of it was useful to me, meanwhile I'm trying to ask her no joke like 4 or 5 times "Does the apartment have a big red sign outside?". I DID get an answer eventually. Even people who could hear her voice from the phone wanted to slap her. She does this constantly, she never listens, just blabbers.

Then she calls me up yesterday saying that the apartment manager has someone from our group on tape taking someone's camera from the neighbouring table while we were having our BBQ the other day. The manager refused to give any more information about it, other than the fact that the police may get involved. So she calls me and explains this to me, asking me if I picked up any camera. After that she continues to talk about how the police will get involved, as if she is really worried or something. Like we're all going to get thrown in jail if one of the group stole a camera. I don't know why she kept talking about it, why doesn't she call the others, I don't know what she wants me to say.

Everything about her is annoying including this mid-life crisis she has. Maybe I would like her more if she wasn't having this crisis and an incredibly discomforting crush on me, she's so clingy. Unfortunately she is a regular attending BFFG member, and I am founder so I think I'll be seeing more of her.

The cake is a lie

2010-09-04T12:04:00.006+03:00

Oh my what a night. Somehow I got myself into a situation I didn't plan on, fooling around with a married woman, she has a kid too. No sex, but extensive making out. But that's not really what bothers me the most, I don't feel like a home wrecker. The home seemed long wrecked before I arrived.

It wasn't a "I just want to touch you" thing. It was intimate, she was intimate. The sort of intimacy from someone incredibly lonely and sad. Things the she said, the way she acted. It all felt really wrong, it's not what I had meant to take part in. I get that sick feeling in my stomach and I don't want to eat food. I wanted something carefree and meaningless but she was pretty confused.

Come morning I awoke on her couch and sat outside thinking for a while on how I wanted to approach this, because I needed to make it clear I wasn't comfortable with it. Some strong black coffee and a talk took place. She understands that I cannot be involved with her. Nothing good would come from it. Even if it were agreed that the relationship is purely physical, it likely wouldn't be for her. It would be like giving someone cake on the condition that they weren't allowed to enjoy it.

I hope I feel better tomorrow after a better sleep tonight, because I'm still tense about it this evening.

Ambition

2010-07-23T09:41:00.002+03:00

Like most things, I'm pretty critical of my 3d work, most of the time I think my work is mediocre and that I haven't improved in years. But I have moments when I achieve something and I think "Wow, that's quite impressive, I've really made a notable improvement" and I surprise myself. I think this is certainly a healthy thing for anyone who wants to be good at what they do. Although sometimes I'm too ambitious in the short term, setting myself up for certain failure. I don't think being ambitious for the long term is a bad thing, but if I use my ambition without any small rewards of success, I won't have any left to achieve the bigger and better.

I think this problem extends to more than just my artwork, but my lifestyle. I'm trying to change these habits, and create a feeling of more frequent feelings of success and achievement.

In other news, I recently organized the Brisbane Finnish and Finland Group, arranging regular meetups for Finns and people interested in Finland. I'm meeting quite a few interesting people, and also looking forward to being able to practice my Finnish with people again.

My Passion and Wonder

2010-06-25T09:08:00.004+03:00

I rode down the cold Winter streets of Hämeenlinna, firmly gripping with my leather gloves, my hair in rapid flight through the cold air. Complete and unsettled peace, just me, my bag and my pushbike. I was rediscovering the world, as if I had been born again, I felt a freedom beyond anything else I've felt. Every waking moment was full of curiosity and new adventures for me, every sound and sight felt special and unique. It was like a romanticized life that I would think only happened in movies.

The shimmering snow covering everything in sight, the rhythmic words spoken as if songs. The lakes and the trees, the feeling of my jacket and scarf. Falling in love, completely and madly. The late night walks, deep and meaningful talks.

I miss the passion and wonder of life, I want it again.

Läski Fussie

2010-06-06T16:43:00.003+03:00

I gained a lot of weight! I've never actively watched my diet or exercise, I've never had to, in adulthood. However things have changed, especially throughout 09 into this year. I don't fit into any of my old nice clothes from 08 and even some I got in late 09. It's been a bit of a shock frankly, I never realized just how much weight I have gained.

Because of this realization I decided to experiment throughout June and see if I can get myself back into decent shape within that time. I used to stay fit by riding daily to work and back. So now I have a new push bike here and I will ride around daily, or most days. In addition I am changing my eating habits slightly. Instead of eating few large meals, I eat many smaller meals. It's difficult to shake the habit of eating till I am full, but I am succeeding.

Unfortunately I cannot weigh myself so I have to judge my progress purely by how clothing fits and in the mirror. My optimistic prediction is that by the end of June, zips will be closed, buttons will be done up!

In other news, the hair is going! I always held my scruffy appearance in pride, I felt it represented my "rebellion" against something. In actuality I wanted people to make misconceptions about my looks so I could then overcome them, trying to make a statement. I think I've done that, but I tire of looking scruffy. I want to look presentable sometimes and that's really just not possible. My little social statement shouldn't interfere with the social life I am TRYING to make. So it's gone! Tomorrow, or Tuesday!

I go to college now, did I mention that? Twice a week, information technology. It's interesting although a lot of it is elementary at the moment. I am holding out for a tourism class coming in a couple months, I might do both if possible.

Spooning Agenda

2010-06-02T11:19:00.006+03:00

Urgh, I felt like a royal ass last night. I went to hang out at Meaghan's place. She is a recent new friend and to put this post into context, there has been minor flirting. I was under the impression she would like to be slightly intimate, hugging to be exact, being as she said she wanted to (in a half joking way). Which is great because I thought that would be really nice. Except she had in mind to just let it happen when/if it does, which is nice except I didn't really know that. I thought she was just so shy, so I tried to be a little assertive by suggesting it, twice in fact. Long story short I felt like a presumptuous jackass and basically looked like I had a purely perverted agenda. Serves me right for trying to be assertive and open for once.

Tried my best not to become a babbling fool. Despite the fact that I felt/feel like a whore, it was pretty cool. Boardgames and Black Books for the win. She is totally someone I'd like to hang out with on a regular basis, she'd be officially my first proper friend in Australia since coming back. I had a splitting headache upon arrival home, probably caught a cold during the night I guess. Nothing else to mention, time to lay down. -.-

A Strange Artificial Selection Scenario

2010-06-01T01:09:00.003+03:00

I was flicking through a networking site and mocking people's profiles until I came across a hardcore conservative christian. Once I was done brewing hatred for her I started to think of ways of removing morons like her from earth, under the circumstances of me having some sort of magical wish ability. When I do these hypothetical scenarios I consider the adverse effects of a specific wish. I consider my influence will set off a chain of events, not all of which are foreseeable and/or desirable. One of the major concerns is people becoming aware of this strange new influence. If suddenly no one was an anti-gay asshole all within a day, that would be strange, people would think "wow that's incredible, something is going on". Now it has occurred to me of a much more efficient way of making such changes.

I could increase the likelihood of miscarriage to conservative religious book bashing assholes by around 50% and within 2 generations there would be a significant change! Some of these people will likely adopt, which is also useful. This passive approach would not rise suspicion of super natural causes! You could do this with anything. But this raises the question, if conservatism started to dissipate in most households, would the human race as a whole start to compensate and create new standards to uphold a balance between conservative and liberal attitudes on life? I may be able to remove certain cultural elements, certain views and such, this method could very easily remove homophobia, but is conservatism and liberalism always going to be an apt term in human kind. Or perhaps will people one day evolve socially and biologically to a state where we can achieve much smaller variation in thought.

Certainly all men are NOT created equal, but it's fair to say they are rather close. In an age where physical evolution takes a backseat to mental evolution, surely this gap will shrink quickly in the next couple millennia and we will get something close to it.

Karma Curmudgeon

2010-05-28T15:47:00.006+03:00

Yes, that is a reference to Culture Club, and what? I think I'm lacking the ability to show much love. Generally things have been really improving now that I'm not depressed and I've been excited about things recently, but the last year or so has made me a curmudgeon. It shows in the way I've been communicating with my friends and family recently.

I have a bit of a crush on a girl I met recently, it's undoubtedly genuine. I'm a little concerned of romance though, whether I'm too needy at the moment to get that involved. The plan is to stop thinking so fucking much, it's done enough harm already. She seems to like me, I should be thinking less and flirting more. I'm obviously way ahead of myself to think we could be romantically involved, it's possible I'm seen just as a piece of meat for sexual gratification. Do I hear some of you assholes laughing?

I start college on Monday. It might end up being torture, but at least it's something to get me out of the house 2 days a week. I've been trying hard to develop my portfolio when not working on the game dev. It's coming along, I'm starting to feel like a professional of my trade. One of the signs is that everything I work on, I cannot find tutorials/documents about. A sign I am treading on uncharted territory, becoming an innovator.

The reason I will never get laid again in my youth

2010-02-14T21:06:00.004+02:00

I fucking hate stupid people. Of course to me stupid is anyone who isn't me, but allow me to specify the sort of stupid person I am talking about. It's the people in my age group 18 - 25 with zero social skills, and when they don't understand something they always reply with some stupid fucking reply as if they proud of having having an IQ equal to their shoe size. Such phrases include "lol wut?", "okaaaay" and "uh wateva".

My problem isn't that they don't understand, and not even so much that they don't want to gain more knowledge. It's just this pride in stupidity. These are the same people that under the books section of their profile they write "books, luls i dun read nuffin". Why can't they leave the section empty? I will tell you why.

Not knowing something isn't shameful, or anything to be proud of, it's just life. Not reading books is no big issue. But they once felt ashamed, and they replaced their shame with a sense of pride.

Next time you fill out a profile, just leave the fucking book section empty if you don't read books, instead of advertising how much of a moron you are. You people bring out the mass murderer in me.

Small World

2009-12-27T16:36:00.002+02:00

When I an genuinely interested in someone, I tend to ask lots of questions, but most people have this silly cautiousness online. Now don't get me wrong, there is information you don't want to hand out, your credit card details for example. But people are afraid of being known, and it's something that unless you are famous or smart enough, you won't see the reality of it.

People are worried to give out information of where they live, their full name etc. They think someone is going to come kill them. And that might be true, if you talking lots of smack all the time. You know why people don't do that sort of thing in public? Because they know they are asking for trouble! I'm talking to all you internet tough guys.

Now you might say to me "but Jai, what if they are just looking for some random person to kill!?". Well then there is really nothing you can do about that is there, but trust me the last place they will be looking for a random kill will be to spend half an hour online to find someone's address. Then getting in the car, get lost in the suburbs for an hour looking for your home, break in, just to kill your stupid ass.

With such a vast world we live in, and with the introduction of the internet, we are becoming too fixated with anonymity, as if it helps anything. It's ridiculous, grow some balls you pussies.

Brain Spew

2009-12-23T20:39:00.002+02:00

I was speaking to my father, we were talking about the year that is passing. He is going through divorce, and he has had it rough. When it came to me I guess I am still too tired from the thoughts of this year. It's painful to think or even read in my blog. I think about Iida everyday, whether it be in the morning at breaky, during the day, or when I'm restless in bed at night. Not as much, but most days.

As Christmas comes around I get thinking more about friendship. I want to ask her how she is, what is happening in her life, but I'm scared to speak to her. I feel she probably doesn't respect me, and I am ashamed of things, including owing her money. I fear she will throw it in my face and reject me. Or worse, say almost nothing, cold and detached.

I still love Iida, but I realized a while ago I wouldn't want to be back together. I am not ready for a relationship, there is some things I need to explore about myself before I become involved with someone again. Lest I let down and hurt someone, and myself.

That aside, I am stronger, and I am moving on. Life is getting pretty entertaining, and I got front row tickets to this show. Continuing this cinema metaphor, a relationship is like the popcorn and chocolate snacks, so sweet and fun, though sometimes distracting and afterwards you gain weight and regret the whole thing. Joke, a little sorrow isn't enough to turn my heart bitter. :) Except for the gaining weight part, that is totally true.

Woe

2009-12-18T14:30:00.008+02:00

Someone close to me recently told me that they wish they were old, so they could give up, stop caring and die. Then I could see in their eyes the moment they realized how incredibly awful it was to fantasize about dying, as they burst into tears. It scared the shit out of me. Her quality and quantity of life has been stolen from her, and even I question whether she has a future. I cannot do much else than beg her not to give up, because I still need her.

It's a darkness I haven't fully understood though I always tried to give due respect to, clinical depression is something I don't want to face. In the past another friend battled clinical depression, and now I only have infinite amounts more respect for her. I am only regretful I didn't offer the support I should have.

That is a mistake I am not making this time, but I feel so out of my depth, I wonder how much I can help. In addition her husband isn't supporting her, and I worry if she can afford to see a shrink enough. My worst fear is that I have to face the death of a loved one, it's one of the few moments nowadays I wish I had the innocence of my childhood. This is not a reality I signed up for.

Elysium

2009-12-07T16:50:00.002+02:00

My estranged father's ex wife contacted me to introduce me to my two sisters I've never met. I spoke to my father for the first time in 11 years. My ex that I turned into a lesbian is sending me hate mail for christmas and I inherited a house in Šibenik, Croatia. An interesting month to say the least.

I have decided to apply for citizenship in Croatia. I am considering moving there in a couple years time. The citizenship application itself will take up to a year, so best to get things rolling. Also taken more of an interest in the language. Been wanting to learn a slavic language a while, and I quite enjoy it.

As I mentioned, I spoke to my biological father last week. Was a sudden decision, a mixture of me wanting his birth certificate and a tiny bit of curiosity. He expressed interest for a relationship with me and it's intriguing to say the least. I think it's an inevitability that I speak with him, and try a friendship. We planned to get a drink this week and chat a little. Shall see how that goes.

Things have been better than they have for a long time. Since I returned to Australia things have been shit most of the time, never enjoying myself. It's nice to realize I can aspire to things again, love people and see a curiosity and excitement in the world I haven't felt for a while. It took a while, but I remember why I enjoy life.

First Walk Cycle

2009-10-26T18:24:00.004+02:00

Yesterday I decided to learn how to animate. Honestly I expected the learning curve would be a little more.. of a curve. But in reality it's even easier than it was animating in flash a few years ago. 15 minutes later I had my first walk cycle. Not bad for a first quick attempt. I quickly learnt that a good hip and shoulder movement makes the walk. Later on I have to work on the overall body movement which is made whilst transfering weight from one leg to the other, amoung other things. But for the most part, not a bad start.

>:D~~

2009-10-05T14:36:00.004+03:00

My progress on the female human is coming along nicely, spending a lot of time working on it, aswell as some material for Niels', David and my project we have discussed for a while. Got to the point now where I need high res images of skin. Problem is, I am way too hairy to use my skin as reference for textures for my female character, and my camera isn't great. Been asking friends but most of them don't have decent enough cameras. So if anyone has a decent enough camera and is a girl with clear skin, let me know!

I would need pictures of your face use as reference of skin. Your face won't appear on my work, I am looking for the fine details of the human skin. I also need this detail for the whole body eventually, so if you are comfortable taking pictures of other parts of your body it would be greatly appreciated, but the face is the most important at the moment. I cannot pay you, so you have to do it out of the goodness of your heart! ;) I don't want posing, certainly nothing pornographic, the images are to be strictly for reference work. This means I will have a few small requests, mostly about lighting. But, it is very easy! And you'd have my gratitude.

In other news, it is so fucking hot here I am melting. My connection is up between the 13th and 14th for certain. I'll be back in action. ^^ Hopefully soon I will post another image of updates on my project.

Do you want to join our vibrant team?

2009-09-27T06:19:00.005+03:00

Job advertisements piss me off. They are so shamelessly pretentious they're just plain insulting. Sales is the worst. Having worked in sales my self a couple years, I know a thing or two about the evil that brews within, esspecially telesales. No one wants to work in sales, so these days all advertisements trick people into applying for them, by putting the jobs in customer service sections, and using such vague descriptions, that you can barely tell anything about the job from the advertisement at all. Here are some phrases easily found in advertisements.

"Do you enjoy working in a social enviroment"
"Would you like to work with a vibrant and energetic team?"
"Are you a team player?"

If you answered yes to these questions, then selling your soul to the corporate devil is right for you! Unfortunately you aren't told until you are sitting face to face with them, that your job is to harras people along the street for money. Why don't they tell you this in the advertisement? Because no one in their right mind would want to do this job.

These asshole yuppies creep me out. It appears in order to become successful they have surrendered human feelings, fake through and through. Everything that comes out of their mouth seems to be selling you something. Everything about their behaviour has a devious undertone. I will start respecting telemarketers and sales consultants the day they they aren't exploitative scheming assholes. Until then, they can go back to their "vibrant, energetic teams" and fuck themselves. Pretentious pricks.

Coffee & Updates

2009-09-22T06:06:00.003+03:00

Been offline for under a couple weeks at my new apartment, which is starting to get tiresome. On the upside I get plenty of time to get work done and when neccesary I can pop over to this internet cafe to get a quick hit of networking goodness. Also made a few changes to the blog, I decided I wanted something a little more simple and easier on the eyes, the previous layout was way too colourful and messy.

I have been working on a 3D male human for months, maybe almost a year. But lacked an interest in it, the project is constantly on and off. Few days ago though I got a spark for working on a female human. I always wanted to do one, been thinking about it for months but just needed that spark. She is inspired by a couple people, and I haven't chosen her a name yet. Only have a full body shot at the moment, unfortunately no close up of the face. But I shall post an update including better shots of the details later on. Also got more work to be done, mostly on her hands, feet and back area.

I enjoy having fun!

2009-09-06T21:44:00.003+03:00

I hate my mainstream generation. There is this obsession with clubbing, aparently that is what youth is all about, rubbing up against strangers equally as intoxicated and marinate in eachother's sweat for nine hours. And when you say you aren't interested in clubbing, they give you a look as if you just fisted a goat. These are the sort of people who define THEIR idea of fun, as fun. Ever see a profile reading "about me: i enjoy having fun". Thanks for clearing that up shithead, here I was thinking you enjoyed being miserable. Of course you enjoy fun, moron. These people are unable to comprehend someone might not like clubbing. The next person I read who writes "I enjoy having fun" is getting stabbed in the throat.

Clubs themselves aren't so bad. Despite the fact that anyone worth talking to would not likely be there. That is another thing about people who go to clubs, who say. "Gosh, I hate these places, but where else you gonna meet people, eh?". Uhh, I don't know, anywhere?! Get a fuckin' hobby, do karate, cooking lessons. Heck, make random conversation in a bus. People are everywhere, if you need to be in a dark room with loud music while completely drunk in order to socially engage, you may want to improve on your social skills.

Clubs are full of shallow, narrow-minded, socially inept, boring people.

Advantages of being a stupid bitch

2009-08-17T10:57:00.006+03:00

I was recently contacted via facebook by a girl who I went to school with around grade four. They had their damn profile on private, so I accepted her friend request out of sheer curiosity, despite not really remembering her. First thing I spot is lots of notes added to her account.

The funniest blonde joke
Advantages of being a woman
101 ways to annoy people

I immediately rushed to her profile and urgently searched for the "remove from friend list" button. But by the time I found it, I had calmed from my frenzy. And started to ponder more on how much I would hate this person if I met them in person. I continued to find more blonde jokes all throughout her status history. They were so hilarious I went to the kitchen and cut myself.

"The funniest blonde joke". A blonde joke is to be used in moderation, because they aren't actually all that funny. That is why when someone cracks one in the right context once every three months, you get a quick laugh out of it. Fart jokes also reside in this category. If that joke was supposed to be the funniest, I wish I was that easily amused.

Advantages of being a woman, hilarity ensues...

"We flirt to get free things, haha!"
"Men on average die earlier, so we get to cash in on the insurance"
"If we are dumb, some people will find it cute"

Essentially it is saying "We are manipulative, shallow and dumb without shame". Ironically, the people who laugh about these things, see truth in it about themselves. These are the same sort of women who wear t-shirts that say "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing".

Many of these girls turn eighteen, realize they are the punchline of jokes, and make fun of themselves to hide the fact that they really ARE that stupid. Unfortunately, guys DO think this is cute, and will pay for their Gucci and D&G to keep their stupid mouth shut, rather than letting them starve and die.

If you ever want to know more about how a person sees themselves and the world, look at their humour. It can tell you a lot more than the bullshit that spurs from their mouth. So, who's up for a good fart joke!?

Amy Winehouse is a bitch

2009-08-14T09:30:00.005+03:00

I hate fans of Amy Winehouse. Every time someone hates on her (with good reason) you get some jackass replying "Your just jealous, you could only dream of having her talent". These people need to be stoned to death. Just because someone hates on someone else who happens to be 'successful', does not mean they are jealous, where did this dumb ass idea come from? I guess they didn't think because they were too busy kissing her dirty ass.

"Drugs have affected her career, but she has an incredible voice! So talented!" Is she really, THAT talented? I think we can all appreciate some people can sing very well, but she isn't breaking any boundaries of vocal talent. She isn't even that great of a performer. You could find anyone with similar vocal ability, dress her up like a whore and make her the next Amy Winehouse. If anything, Amy should be famous for how many concerts she has cancelled due to being strung out, now that is a talent!

These same people would snear at someone like Amy on the street, if she wasn't given a celebrity status. Your double standards disgust me. Die a slow painful death.

Choke on your shitty gaming consoles!

2009-07-31T20:34:00.005+03:00

I hate people who love gaming consoles, the mere thought of them makes me want to punch a baby in the face. It seems like these people have a huge hard on for being pissed over by these companies. Instead of purchasing a proper computer with near universal standards, access to variety of hardware to suit you, and ability to upgrade hardware. These people decide they want restrictive proprietary hardware with proprietary games, using bullshit designed controllers that suck for playing half the games, and then having to shove the piece of shit into the cubboard in two years when they need to buy a whole new system to play newer games.

Further more they are ugly as hell, covered with branding everywhere to remind us that our asses belong to them. I feel patronized when using a console, as if we are retards. It feels like using one of those children's special learning laptops.

Now you have assholes like Sony and their ps3 "whole entertainment systems". Slowly embracing the universal ports and hardware the rest of us have been using for years. Fuck you already, just buy a PC. And we have jerk offs going around saying the newer consoles are "the end" of personal computers. This statement is stupid on so many levels that my head near explodes. The concept of a console is inferior, a watered down version of the real thing. And if it weren't for all the exclusive game titles we grew up with, consoles would have faded into obscurity already. Stop being an asshole and learn to use a PC.

Serenity is key

2009-07-16T05:57:00.002+03:00

Today or tomorrow I am going to pay for my studies and get started. Also have to talk to gov about study allowance. Next on the list is a place. Turns out my aunt might not beable to afford to share a place with me any time soon. Which is a shame as we get on well, and we are in the same boat in some aspects of our lives. Would have been nice. My mother says she wants to move out of this place, and wanted to further discuss having a place together. Her, me, Andrew and my sister. It isn't entirely in my interest, I am on ok terms with my family but living in the same house is too intimate, even if we were to move into a bigger place. Too much social obligation, I need a true escape.

One option is to find a cheap shared place. Student apartment of sorts. The downside is, it is just WAAAY too fucking expensive to live here, even shared student rooms cost fuckloads. Mere pocket money from europe would afford you a month rent here. If I am lucky I can find someone cool to live with like Antti. Rather than some drug fucked twat. Shall see how it goes.

In other news I was going to call up my family today up in Rockhampton who own lots of land. Filled with lots of lovely creatures, including horses. I hope to spend some time there extensively. They love vistors, I wouldn't be surprised if they would have me stay there a while. Learn western style horse riding, and enjoy the serene outback. Maybe I will even learn the "sport" of western riding. In the future I could probably take part in some events or something. :O

Moving away and moving on

2009-07-06T16:35:00.005+03:00

Once again, I know I never post. But let us have a quick summary. Went back to Australia mid June. Was a little rough to accept at first, but I am relieved to return. Get to do all the things I wanted, but never could. Piecing my life together again, and it is really really good. Great even. It is such a relief to beable to let go. Stop worrying about all my problems I had in Finland. I got my driving license, I am almost starting my studies and I working. Firstly, paying back the people who saved my skin financially. Better late than never.

People keep on asking me, "what about your partner Iida?!". "How is Iida?! When is she coming to visit Australia?!". Perfectly good question, but I never have any answer. Instead I end up looking like a fool when I go suddenly quiet. I want to just move on like she seems to be. Sorta hard to when people won't stop asking me questions. But I guess I am, moving on. But it still hurts when she seems not to have time for me anymore, and when asked if she is in love, she hesitates. Kiss turns to hug, hug turns to smile. It is hard.

In the end, she will always be in my heart. Someone I loved more than anyone else, and still able to shed a tear by just writing that. It can be hard sometimes to deal with it, bite my lip. But the truth is she has taken the sharper end of the stick, and has taken it better than I have. And I cannot doubt her love for me, because she has stuck with me through hard times that I will never forget. She is an incredible woman. But maybe not the woman that I will share my future with.

Sleep on it

2009-06-14T20:59:00.003+03:00

Seems to never become easier to self medicate madness. Leaves you in a never ending circle, unable to decide cause and affect. Is one's attempt to compensate for madness infact the madness itself. Was I mad to begin with? Why must it be so hard in times of lunacy to learn from past mistakes, and see from the perspective of our more sensible countermind. Is the madness paranoia, is sensibility infact naivity?

I think there is a lot to be thanked, for the well known phrase "sleep on it". My theory is the perfect level of reasoning must be around 11:45 in the morning. The madness slowly subsides, and you find the perfect median between paranoia and sensibility. If madness is paranoia, and sensibility is naivity, surely inbetween must be perfect rational thought! Logic wins again!

Home

2009-02-22T17:59:00.005+02:00

In my past years, home has always been a very simple thing for me. The things that mattered to me were simple to hold onto. Home could be packaged and carried. Home is still home, in the cold and heat, in the dark or light. You could live in a mansion or a wet cardboard box, but a home is something different, and it always makes you feel the same. Though sometimes we invest our home into something that cannot be packaged or carried. Investing a home into the walls of a house. Or the same way that we can invest our home into a person.

That incredible power a person can possess, to walk into a room, and give warmth and comfort to the surroundings of another. And without that person, a house feels like a chamber, that must be returned to at the end of the day. I miss home.

Sanon sulle Kwak! Ystävälle Kwak! Kwak sanon teille kaikille!

2009-02-15T09:56:00.006+02:00

Early morning. I was planning on going out lastnight with Steve and Reina, aparently a couple others were gathering too. I thought it would be a good idea to do something official before I go. But after going to eat and going to the markets with them earlier that day, I was so tired that I thought it would be a good idea to get an early night. Plus my sleeping pattern would have likely been bad for the flight otherwise. They gave me a wonderful going away gift. It is a wooden rack, inside being two Kwak glasses and four bottles of Kwak. The glasses themselves also have a seperate wooden holder. I love it, and I plan to hold onto it as a rememberance of my time here. Well, the glasses at least. That beer is damn good! ^^

Now it is the day before departure, and in roughly 30 hours I will return to Finnish soil. What is to become of this poor lost koala. Only time shall tell. I think I am mostly dreading the flight. I am going to be restless with my anxiety and nervousness which will make me constantly feel like throwing up. That shall be truly terrible, but at least I have a familiar face to greet me upon arrival.

1up

2009-02-04T10:26:00.006+02:00

Things got increasingly complicated. Job searching has been tough. But I almost had something. Unfortunately, at the last second, when I was almost ready to pack my bags, it all fell through. I took it pretty badly. And almost gave up. And up to recently, I wasn't really sure where I was going at all. I seeked emotional refuge somewhat in my family, which is something I haven't really been willing to do in a long time. Ontop of that my mother offered to give me financial support, something but with little change. But then something happened that completely exceeded any expectation. Niels approuched me, about my emotional state and thoughts and said that if I am of more use in Finland, I should be there. He offered to support me financially there. And give me more than enough time to sort myself out.

At the time I didn't really know how to react. There has been a real lack of feeling of support recently, a lack of belief in my abilities. Not to say it isn't justified, but it certainly hasn't felt great. The support from my family and Niels combined has made me feel like I have just dodged a bullet and actually quite surreal. I know I am not going to waste a moment any longer in the range of sight. There is much more to be said, but maybe it shall wait.

A Diabolical Plan

2009-01-08T08:08:00.002+02:00

Post-revelation, I need a more indepth plan. What is happening, you ask? Well first things first. Holy crap I am fat. Or not really but I have gained some weight, that has to go. Not just because I look bad, but it really effects my ability to actually DO anything. Secondly as mentioned earlier, I am learning Finnish like crazy. This is such a must, and I really have no excuse now. 2 years?! 2 god damn years, and I speak like an amatuer.

Soon enough I can return to my lovely home country Finland, but I cannot just rock up any old day. I will know when to arrive. Because I will be hired by an employer, by speaking purely Finnish. Meaning A) I speak suffucient Finnish. and B) I have a job! Which means money and all that good shit. Then I will just have to find a place.

I am already practicing daily, but I must more! and MORE! I have to love David and Niels for letting me stay here. They take good care of me here while I am having a rough time. I dub them gods and truly my saviour.

Things get pretty simple from then on, work my fucking ass off! I need to save money! This diabolical scheme for world domination has already begun! Oh yes, there WILL be pain!

Black Holes and Revelations

2009-01-06T14:44:00.007+02:00

Overall, a pretty shit year. Though maybe it is unfair to put it so simply black and white. It was a year of learning. A LOT has happened. I am not happy with a lot of things. A failed year in many ways. I am surely to blame for this, and I also feel I have learned a lot from it. Though it is a shame I have hit pretty close to rock bottom.

I could tell you all about the drama, the twists and the turns. But I am quite honestly done with last year, or at least all my mistakes from it. I have had a "revelation" upon the dawning of this new year. Emotionally pushed the edge for several reasons. I have felt every emotion and every thought to be had from it. And there is things I want to specificly address to myself via this blog.

I am no longer a narcisist, overally critical and dismissive. (cranky bastard)
I am no longer a person of all talk/no action. (fucking cunt)
I am no longer going to hide away from the outside world. (pussy)

The last few months I have gone through a big internal struggle, working out what exactly it is I want. What I really want/need. And I know now I don't want to spend my years infront of the computer screen. I think it is a way to live, and people can be happy doing it, and I thought I was, but I am really, really not. So not happy. (I have one person to thank for pushing me. Helping me question it, she should know who she is if she is possibly reading). And this year is also dedicated to that fact.

I am no longer wasting my youth, being bitter and skeptical about the world outside of my screen. (a fucking loser and waste of air)

I am excited because this year, I really AM going to learn Finnish properly. I am also ready to work my ass off and create a decent future. And I REALLY will have some good old fashioned childish fun! Tree climbing, baseball, whatever the kids are doing these days.

Mistakes

2009-01-03T15:34:00.007+02:00

There is something particularly hurtful about creating things that bite you back long after you have learnt your lesson. The harsh reality which offers no earned forgiveness. The laws of nature give no quarter to the ashamed theif, or the recovering heroin addict. Though repent, people you hurt could forgive you, but may never be the same. The time is different, people have been changed, while you were busy fucking up things around you.

But before the cold grip of reality deals it's punishment, you sit in the depressing waiting room. Next to the shriveled brown plant that dies neglected because the secretary thought she was paid by the hour to read TV magazines. You soon fear you too will share the fate of this poor office ornament, left in the corner forgotten and unappreciated.

Questions fill your mind and drive you insane. Will I be welcomed with open arms, and looked at the same ever again, despite me rejecting them? Will they still love me, even though I gave none? Will they still trust and need me, even though I was gone?

If you are lucky..

Belgium baby, yeah!

2008-12-23T21:55:00.003+02:00

I know I never post. Sometimes the thought of having explain all the crap that goes on can be a terrible thought. So for those of you who havent been up to date for a while.. I recently had to leave Finland due to money problems, most of you should know that already. My good friends in Belgium had given some possible opportunities I could not refuse, while being in such bad financial shape. I arrived in Sint Niklaas, Belgium over two weeks ago. I live with my good friends David and Niels.

I dont expect Belgium to be a new home for me, just a page in my story. I miss Finland greatly already and It hasnt been easy up until deciding to leave and after. Lots of mixed feelings and emotions. Until the day I return, I am trying my best to enjoy the now, make the most of what is infront of me.

Stay tuned, I predict more indepth posts to come in the near future.

Changes

2008-09-11T16:06:00.003+03:00

When I started this blog I originally intended to post on a regular basis, and keep a logging on myself. Online because I am a geek, and because it might have some slight use to others. Hasn't worked out the way I planned, and the format in which I planned isn't really what I want.

I do not want however this blog to be hybrid, but I certainly want to realign the focus of this blog and I am considering making it into a platform for my CG artwork. I have recently dove back into 3D and been learning new opensource software called Blender. So hopefully within the next couple weeks these changes will go into effect, and I will be regularly active on my work.

For Absent Friends

2008-06-23T12:52:00.000+03:00

Another month has gone by without my posting. I actually was going to post earlier on but the connection screwed up and long story short I lost my post. I got so fustrated I just said fuck it, and didn't bother for a while.

I was posting about the departure of (Dancing) Steve. The post that was never posted.. I mentioned in it that a month ago roughly Steve mentioned online that he was doubtful he could independantly live in Finland at the present. Due to difficulties of employment. Soon later he made an official date to leave. He eventually booked the flight and left on the 14th.

Wasn't really sure how to feel about it, other than sadness. I had realized he was my only solid friend in Hml for a whole year. Also a very good friend at that, hard to come by for me. Since he has been gone I have been lonely. I keep on sitting at home bored and suddenly thinking maybe I should go hang out with Steve, and then hit by the sad reality that I cannot.

He is greatly missed, I hope he will return in following years to come like he says. Opeth - For Absent Friends has the soundtrack to my day. Was so close to making it Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone for shits and giggles but that song makes me wanna cut off my ears with a blunt butter knife.

Come back soon Steve! Isn't the same without you.

Vappu and whatever

2008-05-01T13:52:00.002+03:00

So, it is Vappu today, celebration lastnight. It was pretty fun. Went to a couple bars, a couple beers with Iida. We were going to meet up with some of her friends but in the end we decided to just hang out by ourselves. Not much more to say about it, was good.

I must apologize, it has been over a month since my last post. I didn't even post before or shortly after my return from Belgium. Or my moving of apartment. But I was quite busy with all the moving, I just didn't really feel like posting. But to briefly mention it all, the new apartment is great. Iida and I are quite happy with it, we have been here one month now and it is becoming cozy. Her father and grandparents have gave us some things such as a table, mat etc. The place doesn't feel so empty anymore.

Steve has moved out of that old place also now. Moved into a student apartment near by mine. Moved in with some Spanish student. He often has his girlfriend staying over. Poor Steve, even after moving away from me, he still has to deal with couples living a wall away from him. Oh well, that is what headphones for.

Beer & Blog

2008-03-22T00:49:00.002+02:00

Almost an hour past midnight. I have been at David's place since monday. It has been awesome, and had lots of fun. Staying up late, geeking to the max. Also going out for drinks etc. Tomorrow we are going to a LAN party. My first official one, so I am quite excited. Should be a lot of fun. Despite the fun, I have been a little stressed. In quiet moments I do start to wish I was home. As I get thinking about all the stuff I should be working out at the moment. But just trying to enjoy myself while I am here. I return monday evening.

I have not had the chance to get many pictures. I will have to try to get some over this weekend, would be a shame to leave without some nice pictures of my time here. Anyway, not a lot more to say. Probably not good to post after a few beers anyway! I shall likely give an update before my departure from Belgium.

Woohoo!

2008-03-17T10:02:00.007+02:00

Monday morning! Packed most of my stuff now. I have to walk into town to catch a bus to Helsinki airport with my luggage. Tough to do in the snow, as the wheels don't really work. And the wheels are already fucked from when I used it to arrive in Finland. Instead of the wheels spinning, they got stuck and grinded it down so it isn't round anymore. Lucky it isn't TOO heavy, so I can carry it if I need to.

I hate the few hours before a trip, I always get nervous. My stomach is hurting from nerves and hunger, but I cannot eat. Should eat but I just can't, have had that problem my whole life. I will probably feel more like eating when on the plane, plus it is free anyway.

I have recently been considering getting tattoos for all countries I visit. A tattoo of the the country flag. Just a small flag, plain and simple. It is too bad I am short on cash for my trip, as I might have done it. Would then have to get a flag of Finland too when I come back. But I am still young, plenty of time to do it if I want to. I think it would be cool\fun though, what do you think? And also where would I put it? Was thinking pretty much anywhere, as I plan to visit many places in my life. On the upper body for sure, I personally thought over my arms would be good, could fit a lot of flags on my arms. Anyone who reads let me know what they think, and if they have any other cool ideas regarding it.

I shoud be in Belgium in about eight hours from now, but I probably won't post for a day or two. I shall surely post to keep track of my week there, and hopefully lots of decent pictures. Will likely post some up on IRC Galleria and probably some on here too. Stay tuned kids! ;)

Belangrijk bericht!

2008-03-11T21:28:00.005+02:00

Almost a month now since my last post. It has just not been a positive thing to do. As I mentioned with my post in feburary, I didn't want to post about all my negativity all the time. Would be the same shit but different day/post. So, sorry again to anyone who likes to peek in on my personal life. But I think there should be some more activity in the future from me.

Quite a bit more activity infact. For quite a while now I have been spending quite a bit of time on youtube. Found quite a few interesting directors that I have subscribed to. A lot of subjects that really made me want to put in my own two cents. I certainly could do it, why not? I have a webcam, microphone and something to say. I might take action on this thought at the end of the month when I move out. Oh my, and there is my opening to the next subject.

So I am moving out! To those who are unsure, this is a good thing. Been living at this place for about half a year now, with my bud Steve. There has been good times, but it is time for a change. And to be honest, I HATE this place. So I am really pleased that I am moving. And to top it off, Iida is moving in with me.. officially. Paying attention? I mentioned it last month. That is ALSO a good thing.

Now at this point you might be saying. "But Jai, you are a stupid unemployed Australian moron. How on earth can you be moving out, and with a gorgeous dreamy girl". Well for your information, I am employed. After a tough three months, I finally got a steady job. And to go along with it, I have a shiny new work permit to keep me here in Finland! Hooray!

So as you might recall, I mentioned a couple times I am going to Belgium. And it will be in under five days! I will be there from the 17th to the 24th, one week. Unfortunately.. I haven't got a lot of cash, but I will just have to make do with what I have. Doesn't matter anyway, I am mainly interested in seeing my good buddies there, aswell as the sights and smells in Belgium. That week will surely uplift my spirits and bring me into a energetic mood for the summer ahead.

Songbird

2008-02-28T12:04:00.003+02:00

Well first of all, I got contacted by the local police station a few days ago. They informed me that my permit application had been accepted and ready to pick up. Awesome news, a lot of weight off my shoulders. Sorry Finland, you ain't getting rid of me that easily.

In other news yesterday I had gotten an email from a guy at HOPS. They give apartments to students, but during the warmer seasons they usually let other people move in. He said there is an apartment available as of 1.4.2008, which just so happens to be the same time I needed to move out. I arranged today that I go see the apartment with Iida. I am sure it will be fine, and it is not like I plan to live there so long.

Speaking of which, Iida officially decided she wants to move in with me. Sure it is not so different, she is here a majority of the time anyway. But it will be nice to call it our home, rather than mine. And as you figure, there will be some minor differences to before. But I am happy about it, and so is she. So damn exciting.

There is now only one thing left on my problem list. Employment! Has been a rough few months but I am so damn close to working everything out. I got a permit and soon a new place. All that is left is a job.

To top things off, as I perhaps mentioned in my previous post, I am going to Belgium! I don't feel so excited, likely because of all the recent stress. I am not used to being excited these days. But it will be awesome, should be a lot of fun. I leave on the 14th and I think I return on the 19th, I will have to check. I will certainly keep the blog up to date with my escapades in Belgium, and surely including some pictures.

Dirge for ..February?

2008-02-15T00:39:00.005+02:00

I know I know, it has been almost a month since I posted. I have kinda avoided posting because I know all I will do is bitch about the same shit over and over again. I thought I should spare readers of it. Though I am certainly not suggesting nothing good has been going on.

Today Iida had end of school celebrations. Involving lots of students in the back of big trucks while wearing crazy costumes, throwing candy to the crowds. The trucks circled the main market intown for about half an hour. Iida wore a bunny suit, with big long ears. She looked so damn cute (and silly). Afterwards she went to more celebrations, and a cruise tonight to stockholm and back. Full of students from lots of different schools graduating. She looks so great in her outfit, I am going crazy because I am not there. I should be keeping all those dogs from drooling over her. Anyway enough about that subject, makes my blood boil.

Today I had two problems resolved without me being even awake. I got a call from Laura this morning, while I was sleeping. She is the woman who was my employer, but is still sorting out business in regards to me recieving a new work permit for Finland. She said the papers have been sent back to the work ministry. Which means my application can FINALLY be finished. Half an hour later I was awoken again from a phone call by my mother in Australia. She said my grandparents finally sent over some money I asked to borrow. Been waiting for ages, because they kept forgetting. But that means that I can finally pay rent.

When I went into town to see Iida at the little parade later on, I got a phone call from an employer which I sent my CV to. She offered a job interview tomorrow! Which for extremely obvious reasons is very good. I have been out of work for a long long time.

It is all coming together. Assuming my permit application goes well, and I am sure it will. It will just be a matter of working my ass off and get myself into financial shape again. And finding a new place to live in starting on the end of March.

But enough about all that, as I am getting tired even thinking about it. Instead I will resume my state of relaxation. Sipping on coke and stuffing my face with chocolate. Ahh, money is so so sweet.

Perkele! Minä en anna koskaan periksi!

2008-01-19T19:54:00.000+02:00

As of the twentythird of this month, I believe it will be exactly one year since I came to Finland. It let me sit back recently and think over this year that has flew past. All that has happened, how much has changed, and how much I have changed.

The biggest question I get from any finn is, why Finland. I still find it difficult to answer sometimes, finding the right words. And I think a lot of people have a hard time understanding the reason. Some people also wondered why I lived such a mild lifestyle being here too. And that was quite intentional, I do indeed live a very modest lifestyle. So then the question would be, why did you leave Australia at all?

For me partially it was about the challenge. Doing something slightly spontanious and maybe silly. Put myself in a situation which I was not customed to. Losing my comforts like language and culture. Living an everyday life, in a different world. And that is the best way to describe it I think.

I think after so long of spending my time only at work and my room, disconnected me from the world back in Australia. And I think I can safely say, I lost my ability to have fun. Being social, getting out there and being more active. And I was a little more passive with my first year here than maybe even I had intended. What that has done for me is I literally feel disconnected from who I was before Finland. I arrive and I have no work, no responsibility. Instead it is all fun and games. Just me and my life, to do whatever I wish. Learning to be a "normal" person again has been process since living in Finland.

And I don't think I am finished with this process. I haven't really thought about who I am in a long while. Or in some aspects, the life I want to lead. Though I do have some goals, I think I have too few of them. My life lacks achievements, and things to aim for. And further more, there is still a lot of things I believe I should have achieved. I haven't pushed myself to experience enough, and though I have had a year of experience, I know there is a lot more I could have.

So this is the year for it. A year for accomplished self realization. A year of change and achievement. A definitive year in my life is to be made ladies and gentleman! So what's on the menu?

Business in Brussels

2008-01-17T12:12:00.000+02:00

I was chatting with Red (Niels) recently, who is a friend of mine from Belgium, and old friend. Back when I was in the process of sorting out moving to Finland, I really wanted to take the oppurtunity to meet him, aswell as another friend of mine David. Moving to Europe put me closer to a LOT of my friends.

Back on track though, the other day while chatting, he asked me what I am doing from mid to late march. Followed by a proposal that I find a plane ticket to Brussels, flight expenses and accomodation on him. A good deal, no? I am hoping my financial situation improves by this time, and it is likely it will. I will still need cash to feed myself while there, and perhaps get some cool stuff while visiting. My first chance to do something touristish, should take advantage.

In other news, gosh my new stereo system is fucking cool. I didn't mention it before did I? No, didn't think so. Cool, sleek and fucking awesome blue lights. It doesn't matter WHO you are, everyone loves lights. Though not so incredibly noticable, I insist you notice the sub woofer behind my laptop also has blue lighting. And further more, so does my DigiTV adapter on the corner of the table, which is also fucking cool by the way. And now I end this post to go continue enjoying it all!

A personal self note

2008-01-12T13:44:00.000+02:00

1. Not every problem is the end of the world
2. You can sometimes want things TOO much
3. Never fail to consider what others might be thinking
4. An unnoticed self sacrificial act does not always go unrewarded

And now some words of wisdom from Tatsuya Ishida.

The pessimist says the cup is half empty. The optimist says it's half full. The pragmatist says it's liquid contents are at 50% capacity. The ironist says it's half full of air. The plumber says the cup must be leaking. George Carlin says the cup is too big. The Starbucks employee says it's so you have room for cream. The conspiracy theorist says aliens took the other half. The baseball player says his cup is definitely full. MacGuyver says he can build a powerful explosive with it. The psychoanalyst says the cup is your mother. The punk sitting next to you also says the cup is your mother. The romance novelist says the cup is a willing receptacle to the wild gushing torrents of pure passion from the hard chiseled urn. The zen master says, "There is no cup." Pamela Anderson says her cups are definitely full. And me, I say, "Waitress! Refill!"
- Tatsuya Ishida

Happy New Year, Biatch

2008-01-10T00:07:00.000+02:00

Haven't posted for a while recently. Just haven't been in the mood for it. Guess I should start from the top. Christmas was great, I really had a great time. On the eve we were at Iida's cousin's house. Lots of chatter, games and good food. During gift giving time, Iida and I received a gift. It was from her mother. Turned out to be a set of towels. All I remember is looking at Iida and finding her looking right back at me with a huge grin on her face. If that is not a hint from her mother then I don't know what a hint would be. Awesome though, needed those towels considering how much Iida stays over.

On Christmas we spent it inside at home (Iida's mother's house rather). More nice food, and just enjoying doing nothing. A successful Christmas indeed. The new year was fun too. A few drinks, karaoke and silliness. Was nice, not much more to extend to that.

On the downside, my employer gave me no hours around and after Christmas. I currently am not working at all. Meanwhile I am looking at other jobs to get some cash to get by. The financial trouble is getting to me a lot. A new/second job will fix everything, just have to find one.

On the bright side, Iida's and my six month anniversary on Sunday. Yeay for that!

Sting at Pancho Villa!

2007-12-22T01:08:00.000+02:00

One in the morning, I should be sleeping but I am not tired. Not much to update with, as nothing too interesting has been going on. On Sunday I will leave for Tampere, as Christmas arrives!! Woohoo! I can't wait. Also there is a restaurant here in Hämeenlinna called Pancho Villa, it has a Mexican theme. There is a guy working there that looks JUST like the music artist Sting. Freaks me out every time I go there.

Meanwhile I am drinking a bottle of Foster's beer, and princess Iida sleeps soundly in the other room. So damn bored, I really want to do something but there really isn't anything to do. Also I don't think I mentioned, my room mate has returned to London for Christmas. He will be gone until the 30th I recall. Until then I get the place to myself. Or rather, Iida and I get the place to ourselves. Which Is how I prefer it actually, with Iida rather than being alone.

Anyway, perhaps I will have an interesting update before Christmas, if I can still find random wireless Internet access at Iida's mother's place in Tampere.

You look like a fuckin' monkey!

2007-12-17T10:06:00.000+02:00

Another morning I return from the depths of hell, aka work. A little tired, as usual I could have gotten a little more sleep than I did, but I am ok. Haven't posted over the weekend, Iida and I went to Tampere to hang out with her mother, Taina. Also got to meet Taina's recent boyfriend who seems nice. We did Christmas shopping, ate good food etc. Was a great weekend, I think Iida had fun too.

I am so down that I haven't got much money at the moment. I want to buy gifts for people, but I can't afford much. I haven't bought much, I really want to buy more. I am waiting for my (maxed out) credit card to be paid off so I can use it again, but I don't know if that will happen before Christmas.

I guess there is more to mention but I might continue at a later date, perhaps tomorrow as now I will leave my laptop.

"I just want a fucking Pikachu!"

2007-12-12T20:43:00.000+02:00

Today I skipped work, was feeling really awful this morning. I shouldn't have, I could use the hours. As the hours have been awful enough. But I felt really shit so whatever, I will deal with it. So I slept in, then stumbled out to the kitchen to join Steve, playing Pokemon (Crystal Version) for gameboy. Steve has an actual gameboy, he bought it online last year or something. And I played on my laptop with an emulator which is still cool. Meanwhile Iida was at school for half the day.. Then she decided to skip work tonight, apparently she is feeling a little under the weather too.

Playing Pokemon has brought back so many memories of my childhood.. even though most of them are just memories of playing other games. Seems I still remember a lot of those small obscure secrets within the game. It is great, though Steve is having a little bit of an issue. It seems in Crystal version, you have to complete 80% of the game before you can get access to a Pikachu. And he is really unhappy about it, poor little Stevie.

Tomorrow is Iida and my five month anniversary! Shit, just reminded me, I need to do some washing. I have no clean clothes for tomorrow, perhaps I do that after I finish writing. I really want to go see Joulutarina, So we agreed we should go see it. Just looks like it might be cool. Unfortunately the film doesn't offer English subtitles at any times in Hml but I don't care. My listening skills have been getting much better, mostly from work and listening to radio. I perhaps will not understand everything, but I don't mind. It is just fun to go to the cinemas! I recently learnt that this film is supposed to have Antti Tuisku in it, so I am beginning to wonder if this film will suck majorly. But I will find out soon enough.

Tell the walls to stop spinning please?

2007-12-08T14:47:00.000+02:00

Last night was Maija's birthday. Someone from Iida's group of friends. Maija threw a little party at her home. Glitter party to be more specific. So Iida, Veera and me gathered earlier, bought some vodka bottles. Started drinking it and left for the party at about eight. Iida looked great, glitter in her hair, eye lashes etc. Very cute.

The party was kinda fun. Caught up with a few people I met during the summer. Also met a few new people. And after an hour or two, we met up with Isa and went to Hälläpyörä bar in town. And we all drunk a little more.

Unfortunately due to that I am not so used to drinking such large amounts, I didn't realize that last beer was a bad idea. And started feeling really bad. Eventually I had to escape to the bathroom for a calm surrounding. Don't really know how long I stayed in there, but Iida eventually called me and we agreed it was time to go home.

Wasn't the first time I have ever drunk too much. But the whole way home I wanted to cry. I didn't throw up at all, but had no trouble stopping to cry on Iida's shoulder every ten minutes. Never done that before. So lucky I had her with me, she was so great. Taken good care of me all the way back to my place, and held me in bed. Making sure I drunk enough water and comforted me till I could sleep. Let no one say she is anything less than an angel.

Felt shitty about cutting the night short for Iida and myself, leaving Veera and Isa by themselves. Not one of my most graceful moments.

This morning we walked back to her place in a cold rain, then went and got some macadies together in her car. Satisfying that urge for fatty salty foods we had so badly, then she dropped me off and left for work. The poor thing has to work with a bad headache. I am trying to gather the physical strength to ride over on my bike and give her a painkiller. Unfortunately I am not feeling any better myself.

Still did have lots of fun last night, just wish I had noticed not to drink more. Also kinda wishing I didn't get glitter into my hair. Because I know I will be finding glitter in different places of my body a whole year from now. And plus there is glitter all through my bed.

Maija was talking about going to Rocktown tonight. But there is no way in hell Iida and I are up for it. I think perhaps we will just be having a nice quiet night together. Eating crisps and watching something on TV or whatever sounds really good.

The uhh, vitun käytävät!

2007-12-05T08:28:00.000+02:00

Isn't even nine in the morning and I feel fucking tired. I start work at five in the morning now. As I don't recall mentioning in previous posts, my employer has changed my work location. Prisma in Tiiriö, it was my first day at that place. The cleaning is not so difficult I guess, and the people at Prisma seem quite friendly. So as you could figure, I am finished already, was a short day. But the hours will still be quite short on average, which really is bad. I need a second job damn soon. Enough about money problems, eh? Moving on!

Christmas! (I don't see how this is avoiding the subject of money..) It is getting closer now. Iida is in progress of writing her 500 page wish list. So far I have written down three things I could possibly want. I probably will post up my wish list here when I am done. My totally awesome chocolate calender keeps me in high spirits. My room mate (of notable intellect) ate his whole freakin' calender in November! And Iida can't find one in stores at all! We went to like four or five different stores yesterday and couldn't find any, unfuckingbelievable!

Also I should mention that quite possibly major changes are happening to the blog. And will no longer be fully open for view to everyone. I will bring mention to it in a post soon to come, before it happens. By the way, I haven't been posting much recently. In case your life is truly boring enough to want to hear about mine, rest assured I will be posting frequently.

When the mind overclocks

2007-11-27T22:45:00.000+02:00

My brain feels like exploding. So much that I don't think I can deal with trying to explain my thoughts. But at the same time I am so frustrated that I feel I need to get it out. I guess this somewhat is the downside to a blog. I really need a friend to be by my side, because I am having a tough time dealing.

Iida and I cleared through some things tonight. And I am hoping this is going to be another big improvement in our relationship. I definitely need to take some pressure off her. It is not like I didn't know. Guess I just kept putting it aside or forget. Second place to our relationship, which we should all know is not how it works. I come first to myself as she comes first to herself is reality and how it should be.

She has not been there for me as much as I would like. Not like she actually specifically agreed to always be there for me. And somehow that still puts tears to my eyes. And further more that maybe I put more of my life into the relationship than she does. Maybe I just want that little bit more dedication. Just a tiny bit. Not like it is surprising, she has more going on in her life.

I haven't got a lot of people in my life these days. I think I need some more emotional support from other friends. Instead of wanting it from Iida. It would be nice if I could though, and she could do the same. But somehow without thinking along the way I didn't notice that we are putting different amounts of us in our relationship. And it makes me feel mostly stupid, guilty and lastly sad, as if I lost something. A realization that I shouldn't expect what I have been from her. And that we don't have what I thought we did.

But only a fool would pity himself for losing something he never actually had. But with tomorrow rises a new day and a fine opportunity for improvement. I guess I am kind of proud of Iida, she really is trying. I must make sure all her effort doesn't go to waste. Gosh, the things I go through for love. It is disgustingly masochistic.

Was that clear enough?

2007-11-26T21:46:00.000+02:00

I barely have the energy to write this post. But I guess it is best to write when the feelings are fresh. Otherwise I am less likely to hide my true feelings and thoughts. Me at my rawest.

Tonight Iida and I started talking about how sometimes I feel she can upset me with the way she communicates. Or rather sometimes what she doesn't communicate you could say. When people's emotions are involved, and a person does not use their words to communicate their concern, and generally communicates badly in whichever way. It can lead to disasters so quickly.

As she admits, she can sometimes not be the best person for comfort. Sometimes doesn't know how to deal with someone who is upset. And if I am upset, it almost always ends up being about her, because she becomes upset. I have to put my feelings aside to comfort her.

My main point is, I want to know when she cares, and listening to me in my moments of need. When I feel unsure or confused, she helps me find answers. I need to know when she feels offended, unsure, confused, insecure, angry, attacked and whatever else! I want to understand us, no misunderstandings. There is no right words. There is only bad words, ones that don't show me these things.

She can feel restricted by language. Sometimes attacked by what I say, or she just can't understand what the fuck I want. All very frustrating, and both our faults I guess. I think she needs to learn to put herself aside when other people are upset, people are not always easy when they are upset and can say dumb things. herself being a perfect example. And I need to stop expecting so much from her perhaps.

Ural Mocca rocks!

2007-11-24T22:53:00.000+02:00

Today I pretty much did almost nothing worth mentioning. Woke up late, and lazed around. Tonight has been pretty cool though, so far. Iida came back from about nine or more hours of work. But I made her some spaghetti and torttu to come back to. Also have some beer, cider and ural mocca to drink while we chill to some music and what ever. Cool day, lovely night, beautiful girl.. All is well. By the way, the picture on the left is a special torttu I made for her earlier tonight. Turned out quite well actually. Time to get back to chilling and stuff. Love you Iida babe!

Life starts to feel like a chessboard

2007-11-21T20:22:00.000+02:00

I haven't posted much recently. Mostly because I have been busy, which includes having Iida around at my place. She has been here for a week and a half. And I don't usually like to write entries while other people are around. I need to be alone, and just reflect over my day and think without having to worry about people around me. I guess there hasn't been anything SO exciting to mention recently anyway.

Here I sit on my bed with my laptop and a can of beer. Been watching a few episodes of Top Gear, which is a really cool TV show I might add. And now I chill to some Opeth. Meanwhile Iida is at a friend's home, celebrating a 20Th birthday. I asked her to bring something back with her just now, but she says she can't, lame. But not to worry, as she will come back here and hang with me afterwards and drink some beer and long drinks with me.

In other news, my room mate Steve has been planning to get a new place in Helsinki, close to his school. Today he confirmed an apartment to move in on mid December. This leaves me here by myself. First official time living alone. I guess I am not so nervous though, not like I don't know how to take care of myself. I am just always so used to living with other people. There is always someone around to chat to, and just hang with. Never feel lonely.

I guess financially I am slightly worried, not that I have much of a reason to be. I am sure I will manage, but the timing couldn't be any more close cut to be honest. But everything for me HAS been close cut, for quite awhile.

I guess the biggest subject on my mind recently has been my consideration of studying next year. To keep in brief, I was considering going to an aikuislukio (adult high school). Meanwhile Iida ponders over her options for future study as she soon enough graduates from her lukio. She is certain she doesn't want to stay in Hämeenlinna, which is no surprise. And I simply cannot stay in Hämeenlinna if I wish to study next year, and even working here is difficult. Due to the fact it being such a small town.

Iida will put her education first, which is what is expected. And she doesn't want a long distance relationship, nor do I. I will settle where she does, follow where the road takes me. Iida gets her school, I get my bigger city, and we can continue our lives without conflicting each other.

We haven't really spoken extensively about it yet. We can apply for schools in spring. Until then, she has to make a decision on where she wants to live and study. Oh yes I know, I make this all sound so simple and easy. But this road will be quite long and bumpy, that I can be quite sure of. Time shall tell.

In The Morning

2007-11-17T11:46:00.000+02:00

Good morning to all who might read. I haven't been posting so much this week. Partially due to distractions from other things. Anyway I just woke up about an hour ago, or something. A beautiful day outside it seems, for a winter morning I mean. This week has actually been quite good. Life is good infact, so I am happy! The Coral have the soundtrack to this particular morning of mine, enjoy the song.

Everything is going just fine. Work has been a little tense though, but other than that very fine indeed. My one real issue is my stomach, as I am so damn hungry at this moment. So I plan to swing by Melodi for some kebab perhaps soon. Maybe I will drag Steve along too, if he gets out of bed soon. That would surely make this morning even better.

Iida has been with me all week, staying at my place. We seem to be doing better. Even though the week has had a few obstacles, we have remained fine without any real problems. I think we are both improving. That also is making me cheerful. And of course soon enough Christmas is coming!

Honestly I have not been much of a Christmas person for a long time now. Apart from the fact it is catholic bullshit, I felt little need to participate in it. And saw that celebration should be something to do I like, not due to a calender. But I don't feel that way so much anymore. Also this will be my first Christmas in Finland. As a child I always got a warm feeling from Christmas atmosphere. And the general concept. The chilling beautiful snow, drenched over everything and then you look inside to the warm home. A fire, candles, cheesy Christmas carols.

I didn't like to spend Christmas with my family. I liked to just stay home and do whatever. Had no interest. I guess the only reasons I participated was so that I didn't upset everyone, and more so because of the great food. But for once I actually feel like doing something like that. However I don't really want to spend it with my own family back in Australia.

Iida offered for me to have Christmas with her family. Which I immediately agreed to. I am not really sure how much of the offer was because she wanted it, or because generally not wanting me to be alone on Christmas. But I guess it doesn't really matter, it will be great. Or at least if her mother says it is ok. Which Iida says shouldn't be a problem.

But it is a strange feeling. I haven't been truly excited about something like Christmas in a long time. And there is no one I can think of that I would rather spend Christmas with than my beautiful Iida. And some other random people I don't know. But that is what Christmas is about anyway I guess, right? Seeing uncles, cousins and other family that you don't know.

Tired from the weekend

2007-11-12T15:36:00.000+02:00

I am so tired. Ths weekend I spent with Iida, just being all cute couplish. Watching movies, eating good food and alcohol, and then using eachother as pillows. Iida stayed over again last night. But last night, we didn't actually get to sleep till like three in the morning. As mentioned before, I am so tired! But it was a great weekend with her and it was really fun. Iida is best. <3

Our forth month anniversary is tomorrow. I really need to get some sleep for it. Iida has gone to ride Dani the horse for a little while. But then she shall return. Not sure if she will stay here tonight or go to her home, I want her here though I think. I easily got used to having her around, esspecially at night. Someone to hug is nice.

Anyway, I am way too tired to post anything more at this moment. I m going to try to find something to keep myself awake, and tomorrow I shall probably post again.

Classical Gas

2007-11-09T18:13:00.000+02:00

I cannot seem to stop filming! Here is another recording. The name of the song is Classical Gas which I had forgot to mention in the video, based on Eric Clapton's interpretation. However I tend to make my own little interpretations with all songs I play, so sounds a slight bit different from that even.

Juice is quite cheap in Finland

2007-11-08T21:58:00.000+02:00

Soooo tired today. Didn't get a huge amount of sleep last night. Had work, luckily it was a relatively short day. Then me and Steve agreed we should go to subway for some kick-ass sandwiches. Shortly afterwards Iida called and came over for company, which was nice. Then left for work at her new workplace. Later that night as planned I went and visited her, at the CORRECT siwa store. She looks so damn cute in her uniform, regardless of the fact the uniform is actually quite ugly.

Our forth month anniversary comes up in about five days. I am quite excited, as we will definitely plan a cool day to have. So far discussed we know we want to go to a cinema, we have been wanting to go for weeks. And also I was kinda thinking about going to Tampere for something to eat and whatever else. Would be nice for a change of surroundings and somewhere new to eat out. Can't wait! Iida <3

Got home from siwa, long bike ride home. Caught up some more with an old friend Mirva. Still somewhat strange to speak to her as she links me up with a lot of my past memories. Alot of memories that I have since left behind, some intentionally and some not. Not a negative or a positive thing mostly, just weird feeling. She asked about my place I got here in Hämeenlinna so I took a video of the place. I realized that a lot of my friends are unaware of how it looks so I decided to upload it onto my blog.

It is actually quite long. Over five minutes I think, as I keep on getting distracted. You also get a glimpse of the famous Dancing Steve. SO sorry but unfortunately it did not occur to me to make him dance. But I promise to capture some video of his moves soon! You will not be disappointed. Anyway, here is the video of me, Steve and a little tour of our place and life. Enjoy!

Three stores, a handgun and music

2007-11-07T23:31:00.002+02:00

I skipped work today, BAHA! Last night I was a little restless, and I knew I would be tired in the morning for work. I pulled a huge bluff to get out of work today. She also offered tomorrow off but I decided I shouldn't. Today was ok I guess, except I learned about the school shooting in Jokela. Eight people dead to my recollection. Seven of which were students. Crazy to hear about something like that in Finland.

In other news Iida got a new job at siwa, yeay for her. I tried to go see her tonight before she finished her first day. Unfortunately I went to three different siwa stores. None of which were the correct ones. I was never quite clear on which she worked at. I completely forgot that I didn't know and my mind assumed one. Felt like I rode through the whole of Hämeenlinna in like half an hour. Way lame, I am sure she would have liked to see me drop in. But oh well, there is always another time!

Also today I started learning another Opeth song. And I am especially in love one piece specifically that I have learned. Still working on it, but here is a recording. Once again sorry for the poor audio quality etc. I will get around to improving this soon! Also my still wobbly guitar playing, which ALSO will be fixed. The song is named Twilight Is My Robe.

Moron of the Year Award

2007-11-06T23:52:00.001+02:00

The title says it all. Not really much to talk about today. Shitty day. Though the evening was nice, when Iida came over and we mucked around. Being silly and had a laugh. Then she went home to eat and get to bed early. A nice night. No silly arguments or feelings hurt. Was turning out to be a positive night. Which I was very happy about.

Unfortunately later tonight I continued conversing with Iida and I started talking about intellect. About academic intellect and general practical/logical intellect. Which aren't necessarily opposites, but don't necessarily go hand in hand either. I said that I get the feeling she sometimes thinks I am stupid. Due to lack of my academic education. Which she admitted to feeling sometimes. And I continued along the subject. Feeling somewhat in a observant and reflective state.

To keep things short, I said some observative things. About how she might think of me without language barriers. I generally feel like maybe she doesn't understand my mind much due to it. But my choice of words made it sound like I was telling her she is shallow. I made her feel so insulted. FUCK!

I want to scream out really loud, but I contain myself. As it is really late. Yelling in a post doesn't quite feel as good, but still kinda helps and I am just starting to feel a little better already. I guess I should calm down. It was a mistake, I should learn from it. And remember that Iida is forgiving.. So far at least. I really have to start learning quicker.

Face of Melinda

2007-11-05T23:56:00.000+02:00

So I decided to record something tonight. I kinda didn't want to put anything up of my playing quite yet. As I know I can't play as well as I used to. So I feel a bit lame with my current ability. But regardless I felt like recording something. I have used Steve's acoustic guitar instead of my electric guitar in the vid. And sorry for the back and white, I was using my onboard laptop cam which can sometimes behave weird with colours. So I just made the whole video black and white. Oh, and the audio qualty really sucks too AND the guitar was slightly out of tune also. I promise to make future video's with more effort, and better quality!

Btw this is an intro to a song named Face of Melinda by Opeth. Anyway, enjoy! (If you can, I am playing terribly)

Crème brulée!!

2007-11-04T22:57:00.001+02:00

Just got back returned from Iida's house. We watched the film High School Musical. It made me want to gauge my eyes out and put a power drill in my ears. Partially because I almost enjoyed some of it. I feel somewhat less of a person to that fact. So cheesy and predictable. Plus I always feel like punching those assholes on movies and TV shows who dance around and sing, with that fake bitch smile they have on. Reminds me of that children's show called Barney and Friends. The bad acting really didn't help ether.

Messed around with my new guitar for awhile today. I have gotten quite a few strange reactions from people about my new guitar. And I soon realize that a lot of my friends are unaware that I have played guitar for over five years or so. And that I had owned three guitars in fact. And will also note that I had sold them all when I left for Finland last year. I had planned to record something to post tonight but my guitar playing is so rusty, has been much too long since I have played properly. But once my hands become strong again, perhaps I will film something and upload it.

In other news, things for me should start to calm down soon, with less money problems. No immigration worries and other shit. I should be able to focus on my Finnish language studies more. And will aim towards blog posting in Finnish occasionally. Considering I intend to post on most days, it surely sounds like a good way to encourage practice.

Fingers on fire, toes to ice

2007-11-03T17:37:00.001+02:00

Snow arrived this morning! Snow covers every exposed surface within reach and by morning you are faced by a completely different world. Or at least feels so. Not my first winter in Finland but it certainly has been a long time. And brings back memories of my arrival here. Though this change did not necessarily make me so cheerful as it might, still was nice. Winter changes your lifestyle so dramatically in Finland. In comparison to Australia, winter time means putting on a jumper or something. In Finland everything changes. Your whole outside outfit changes, your daily activities, your workplace possibly. Heck even the tyres on your car change. But I am not complaining, I love winter.

Been playing that new guitar I bought last night. Simple looking, nothing special. But I kinda wanted it that way. The sound is what you would expect for 125 euro. And I have had to use my laptop as an amplifier which has turned out ok. Perhaps some of the FX filters could be slightly better. But I will do ok for the time being. I definitely need to buy a proper amplifier designed for a guitar though. Meanwhile Steve got his acoustic guitar. It works nicely that we bought one of each, so now we have the choice between the two. If I feel like playing some acoustic I can use his, and vice versa. Also had the chance to learn some Opeth songs that we both love.

And tonight I sit at home, doing nothing. Kinda sad, as I really needed this weekend to recover from such a shitty week. I wanted to do something out of the ordinary. But I didn't know who to hang out with, I didn't want to be alone. And I don't really have any money to do much ether. Perhaps some friends will come online and keep me occupied.

Reminder of doubt

2007-11-02T22:56:00.000+02:00

Friday arrived. A weekend to myself. At work today I noticed that the Motonet store sells cheap acoustic guitars. Nothing fancy but damn good for 35 euro. I told Steve earlier tonight and he immediately jumped out of his chair and demanded we go purchase it immediately. Somehow he managed to convince me to get off my ass. Then some how I managed to convince myself to by an electric guitar today with my Australian credit card. Perhaps tomorrow I will take a picture of it and post it. Nothing special, I didn't want to spend so much. But regardless it is cool.

Iida and I had our little chat. Sorted through some of our problems. I think we definitely got some things out of each other that could help. But for the first time in a long time, I actually doubt my ability to work something out. Whatever I want in life, I go after it. I am determined, and it just a matter of work to make it happen. Learn from mistakes, overcome them. But relationships are a completely different deal all together. And the lack of control over the situation seriously is messing with me.

She came over tonight not long after Steve and I returned from Motonet. We were ok, I mean we knew things weren't all fine and dandy. But there was no specific grudge between us. We sorted through it. But regardless there has been so much negativity recently, I could soon tell without her saying anything, that she clearly needs space.

When she went home that night I talked to her about it. That she needs some distance. As after all, we see each other pretty much every day without fail. She sleeps in my bed a majority of the week. I understood completely, and I guess it would probably be good for me too. So I kinda feel sad, but I kinda don't. After the conversation we had, I just want us to patch up, and be happy. I just hope we are capable of it. And things don't continue to turn to shit. I just have to do my part and hopefully she will do hers. She seems quite optimistic.

Overall feelings today, I am kinda unsure. I guess I'm too tired to have any clear emotions anymore. Which probably means I should go to bed right this moment!

Skittles for breaky

2007-11-01T10:45:00.000+02:00

Last night I went to watch Iida ride Dani/Dakado (the horse). She appreciates my help there sometimes, and it is just cool to go there. Getting a little bit of pony obsessions myself nowadays. Seriously considering getting one someday. And there is a picture of both of them I took recently. Iida mentioned yesterday about wanting to watch a movie in the cinema's tonight. Since I have no money at all, she insisted to pay for me, and if she cannot afford it, then we don't go. So uncertain if that will happen today. Would be nice to see a film with her though, would make my day.

Later that night I got myself a Facebook account. Fun fun fun!! At the time I only registered just so I could play some cool game, but I guess perhaps I will use it. Seems to have some cool features, and surprisingly a lot of my friends use it, more than I had thought at least.

From yesterday

2007-10-31T13:49:00.000+02:00

I just got home from work about half an hour ago, tired again. Serves me right for staying up late, not that I could help it so much, wouldn't have been able to sleep earlier anyway. Last night I replied to an email from my mother back in Australia. After almost a year away from it all. I surprisingly don't feel much different, in my feelings towards her. We somewhat cleared things up over the phone a few months ago. Though the conversation wasn't really so resolving, for me at least. I pretty much said what had to be said to put at some peace of sorts. But truth be told I still do not enjoy speaking to her. Not on the level as a friend, or es specially as a mother.

She was talking about coming to Finland next year, for a short visit. I don't really want that at all. I don't want her to invade my life, not even for a short time. But it brings me to somewhat an ultimatum, or at least I think so. I cannot neglect her much of a relationship and lead her to believe I want her involved in my life, but telling her that I don't want her involved is equally pulling my moral strings. Not so much because it's my mother, I stopped caring about blood years ago. But I am afraid to make such a decision.

Anyway to avoid making that subject any longer, I am just not sure what I believe to be the smart choice. There is a lot of thinking to be done, sometimes I can be too cold and forget about sacrifice.

Last night my eye had caught Mirva's name on my MSN list. It had been a while since we spoke. Last time we had spoken had been under some bad circumstances. She sent some text messages with some serious attitude and perhaps some emotions from the past that arose. When I had arrived in Finland and by that time we were no longer together, we met up. Not really sure what we were, friends or not. At the time of our splitting, I had made it relatively clear that I desired nothing but a friendly relationship. Not so much friends, but someday hoping we could say hi if we bumped into each other. Or communicate occasionally if the need arises.

But to get back on track, I wanted that to happen.Plus I still speak with her sister regularly. And last thing I would want is to create tension because of that and so forth. Wasn't really sure what to expect, I guess I thought she would be friendly, despite our last conversation via text's. And she was, the conversation was all general funny chatter, which was nice. Hopefully there is not so much hard feelings in the air.

1 past resolved, 1 not. Oh well, keeps me busy.

And I don't mind being sugared

2007-10-30T23:11:00.001+02:00

I awoke Tuesday morning with minimal sleep and very little interest for being at work today. Luckily the work load being quite small today, I was fortunate enough to return by about 10am. After which I went into town, looking for cash. Been a little short on cash recently, waiting for my first pay check. My intent was to sell my digital camera, which some lady behind a counter made very difficult. And at the present time, I remain unsuccessful. Not really sure what I will be eating tomorrow evening.

Unfortunately other elements of my life do not seem to be notably better. Iida and I seriously need to talk some more about how to deal with each other. I love her like crazy, but I am making her miserable I think. And she can make my heart ache so bad sometimes. The moment someone gets a negative feeling, our social tendencies
will assure that someone is going to get upset, angry and then there is going to be an argument. I said to her we need to talk about it specifically sometime really soon. Things can't go on the way they are right now. We would never last this way.

I have been sad, quite sad. I have been close to tears a few times recently. I guess that isn't so surprising with my troubles with Iida. I guess I'm happy with where my life is going atm, with my soon to become permanent stay in Finland confirmed. I miss waking up to wonderful days though, they are way too irregular.

I guess things will work out financially, eventually. And I am so dedicated to making things work with Iida. Maybe the end of the year will bring good things for the following year to come. A trip to London is what Iida and I spoke about eventually, that will be refreshing. The snow will return soon enough and Christmas will arrive, surely some good will come from it.